how a self-education in the arts saved me

In 2022, I got hit with my second round of COVID-19, after I went skydiving. It’s fun to say I got it from the sky, but in reality, it was probably my tandem skydiver who sneezed in my face on our way up to 15,000 feet.

But I digress.

COVID gave me the worst brain fog. I couldn’t leave my apartment, and I definitely couldn’t work. As a chronic overthinker, I couldn’t just sit with my thoughts despite my many attempts of meditating and reading Buddhism books. Instead, I decided to resort to an activity that I considered mindless: drawing.

I selected a picture of a Japanese tea garden for me to replicate in my lil journal, and without any time constraints, I went in.

It had probably been about 15 years since I’ve drawn something, and once I completed it, I just felt at peace.

A side tangent, but my roommate came out and saw the drawing and began freaking out: “I DIDN’T KNOW YOU COULD DRAW”. I say this because it reminds me of conversations I used to have with my sister & mom.

If you don’t know me personally, here’s the thing about me. When I’m not being a quiet bookie, I’m probably being a menace to society. Making a lot of sounds, dancing with every single one of my limbs, and constantly humming under my breath. As someone who has struggled with self-worth, these activities allowed me to enter flow. It was good energy, so obviously, I was asked, why don’t you get professionally trained in the arts.

For some reason, it just didn’t feel right. The arts always felt like a safe space I could escape when I didn’t feel so great about myself. I could tap into my “natural intelligence” and not have to live up to a certain standard of excellence. I’d already pushed myself hard enough elsewhere that this was a space I could feel free.

As my adult self, I saw a meme that summarizes this feeling quite well.

I cackled like a hyena when I saw this meme, because this was exactly why I kept arts to be a safe space. I didn’t want to be a “flower smelling champion”.

I built my confidence by tapping into my natural intelligence. Let’s dive deeper into what natural intelligence means, a topic Gallwey speaks extensively about in The Inner Game of Tennis.

self 1 vs. self 2

Gallwey separates our selves into two beings: Self 1 vs. Self 2. Self 1 is the teller while self 2 is the doer.

Let me demonstrate through a simple example of tennis. You’re at practice and hitting the ball to the net 70% of the time.

Think of Self 1 as your ego-mind, aka it always has opinions and thoughts to share.

“OK, hit under the ball so it doesn’t go to the net. hit to the net. No, under the ball. hit to the net. Dude, hit under the ball. hit to the net. wtf are you doing, you’re so bad at this. hit to the net. F, I’m such a failure. hit over the net. OMG SEE, you got it. Keep hitting under the ball. hit over the net. See, keep doing the same thing. hit to the net. GODDAMN IT.”

Man, just reading that made my muscles tighten. Of course you’re hitting to the net, you’re overthinking. You do poorly, you chastise yourself. You do great, you praise yourself. But you’re everywhere but on the court. You’re in your mind, and you're diverting the attention from the ball. Aka you’re overriding your body’s natural movement.

Now, consider Self 2. It’s your body, including the unconscious mind. Some may think that Self 2 is under the rule of Self 1. But don’t be too quick to make judgments. Let’s run through the example, where you give Self 2 permission to do its thang.

“OK, just observe how you are hitting the ball. hit to the net. Let’s feel the racket connect with the ball. hit to the net. My hand feels a little tight. hit to the net. Follow the ball and feel where the racket head is when it connects with the ball. hit to the net, but not as low. OK, ball is not hitting racket with the spin sound. subconsciously adjust the racket head, hit the ball over the net."

Few things to notice when you let Self 2 take over. One, there is no diminishment nor praise. You let your perception and senses take over, rather than listening to your egotistical mind. You may very well hit to the net again within two shots, but you trusted Self 2 to take over and do what it knows best.

And two, there is focus. But how? You may be thinking, Self 2 must be mindless to be in a state of flow. That’s the biggest illusion of all! Allowing Self 2 to be is the most mindful you can be. Because you are not focused on the inner chatter, but rather everything that is going on around you. When you are in a state of flow, you don’t even realize you are having this conversation with yourself. Because you are so concentrated and present in the moment, that Self 2, the one we thought was subservient to Self 1, is doing all the work.

concluding thoughts

I somehow feel so thankful that I got a formal education in STEM rather than the arts, because self-educating myself in the arts allowed me to loosen up. To recognize the fun in learning about things that I care about.

Not having a “proper” education in singing, dancing, writing, whatever art it may be allowed me to trust myself so much more. Does that mean I have perfect pitch, or I dance with the fluidity of a professional artist? No, because excellence takes time and effort and consistency. I honestly couldn’t tell you the note B vs. G in any realm. And I’m okay with that.

Stay tuned for part 2 of what the Inner Game of Tennis taught me about life.

until the next 🐝  and with 💛 ,

Sneha