how my dad convinced me money isn't bad

intro

It’s my pops birthday this week. HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY BESTIE!!!!

Writing this piece felt like a perfect way to celebrate one of my biggest role models, whose defied so many odds to be the man he is today. He carries the wisdom of 62 years of life yet maintains an infectious zest for life (seriously, this hyperactive guy walks 7,000 steps before I’ve even woken up…). And most importantly, he pours unconditional love to his family. Thanks for instilling values of character, integrity and grit into me which have made me the young, independent woman I am today. Pops, this one’s for you. Buckle up :)

“money is bad, dad”…

Here’s the list I’d provide my dad in 2016 before I left for college, explaining why money is bad (she’s so chill, folks 🤪). But let’s rewind a little bit, why was I giving my dad this list to begin with?

backstory…

Money wasn’t really a conversation topic in the house until 2008. Which is when I started noticing how much of society’s acceptance of others was influenced by your wealth. More specifically, I saw that the basis of respect was rooted in materialism and status, not your character and integrity. And boy, did that make my blood boil, especially when I saw loved ones mistreated by those standards.

Despite the fear, I began silently defying everything I thought rich people stood for. I was adamant against attending private school because I didn’t want things served to me on a silver platter or feel out of touch with the world. I wanted to earn my seat at a world-class university through the public education system. I didn’t want to attend expensive dinners where half of the food at the table was thrown away. I wanted to eat my momma’s home-cooked meals, where she made sure there was no food waste. I didn’t want to tap into my femininity because I thought it was frivolous spending. And most importantly, I didn’t ever want to make someone feel less than because they didn’t fulfill my definition of success.

This is the root of why it was so hard for me to look at money with a positive lens, because I used to only see money associated with putting other people down. I realize now that the checklist can appear very judgmental and shows my black-and-white thinking from back in the day; just because someone went to private school or ate out at nice restaurants does not make them a bad person. Hell, I went to a prestigious, elite university and I love treating myself to a good meal. But of course, when I saw that in conjunction with disrespecting people, which I still view as wrong, I automatically equated the possession of money = greed, corruption, inequity.

I saw the damage it did to people I loved if you were a form of “failure” in others eyes, especially in the realm of wealth. Even if I was passionate around education because I saw it as my access card to the world, that didn’t mean the next person had to be. Who am I to tell them what to care about? We all have our natural curiosities of the world based on our intrinsic desires and external circumstances, just care about something that goes beyond how society sees you.

And by no means was my family perfect either; there was a period of time we participated in the rouse to feel some sense of belonging. We were doing things against our value system; this was not living with an abundance mindset; it masked extravagance and wastefulness. More than the status trap, our family almost fell into the hierarchy trap. Key word, almost. 

dad’s side of the story…

While I was providing this “why money is bad” list to my pops, he was also going through a period of rebuilding his own wealth, but through a new lens.

Young Vinny always had dreams of coming to America, watching films on his small television in his home growing up. And by his 40s, he was; he was rising the ranks at work, and had the beautiful family with the big suburban house. We were living the American dream, baby. But Murphy’s law began playing out when everything came crashing down around him and he’d reached rock bottom in his personal life and career. Indian culture is very communal, where you help people in times of need and uplift the people around you when you make it. But that wasn’t the case for him, because the support of his communities was conditional on your success, aka material wealth. His glass house was shattered and needed to be rebuilt with stronger foundations.

He underwent a grueling transformation of what really matters in his life, what were his priorities. As the breadwinner of the household, money could afford him to send his two daughters to college and be independent women in this world. It could afford him time to spend with his wife and enjoy a cup of chai with her rather than grinding away until 2AM every night. It could afford him time to take the actual relaxing vacation and not be in survival mode for a decade plus. Money really was never about the flashy cars or the grandiose houses. It was about the time and resources it opened to spend more time with his family and loved ones. Money was the vehicle that afforded his freedom and autonomy in his life. He’d known this, but now he was actually living and breathing this. I was just a few years behind him.

growth…

It’s funny because even though I obviously had some ✨ intense ✨ viewpoints on money, I knew at my core how important it was to have a sufficient amount of money. I worked jobs in college as pocket money for food and coffee. I handed over my internship salary to help pay next semester’s college tuition. I said no to my roommates for buying a $20 coat rack for our senior year apartment because I didn’t view it as a necessity (thanks, nidz & nut for never making me feel bad for this 💜).

Then, I got my first job, which was extremely well-paying for a college grad. Within two years, I could:

• Donate money to GiveDirectly, a charity providing unconditional cash transfers to people in need

• Spend time with my parents on a weekend and not have the stress of school and money looming over me.

• Go on the long-awaited sister trip 💛 

• Invest in two women-owned companies (shameless plug for Transcendence Coffee founded by my fearless best friend, Mitalee Bharadwaj)

• Work out and eat healthy without feeling debilitating guilt (not living off of a $2 Starbucks Iced Coffee and a Qdoba burrito a day)

• Invest in real estate!

I realized that building wealth gave my dad and me the permission to no longer live in survival mode. And it took me four years after college to reach a steady state. It’s funny because my transformed relationship with money was not because my dad told me so, but because of his actions and my own experiences to see money for what it can be.

so, what can money be?

what do you think money can be, lil bees? DM me on instagram @betweenthebuzz.

until the next 🐝 & with 💛 ,

Sneha