[Cent #9] a women's sole aspiration is not to be humble

happy tuesday lil bees! I hope October is treating you all so well, if not for the copious amounts of pumpkin goods being advertised and eaten.

what’s going on in sneh’s world

• I ran my dress rehearsal for the half marathon and it. was. HARD. I had to pause two times, because it was, imho, an extremely hilly path. Thankfully, I ran in the half is happening so I’m gonna still say this was a slay.

• I’m currently in the midst of some fun projects at between the buzz! With a lil bit of hiring, a lil bit of launch prep, a lil bit of expansion. If you love what you’ve been seeing, reach out to me at [email protected] and let’s chat 🙂

drumroll please.

🥁 🥁 🥁 

We’re back with our next cent in the 25 cents of womanhood and money series. I know there was a long break, but we’re back. Not to mention, this is fitting given the upcoming presidential election, where women’s health is a h-o-t discussion topic.

So let’s talk about women and humility. Introducing cent #9, how a woman’s sole aspiration in life is not to be humble.

Last week, the pairing we never knew we needed pod-ed (i.e. podcasted) together. Alexandra Cooper, the Call Her Daddy podcast host. Also arguably the most successful woman in podcasting. And Kamala Harris, the current Vice President of the United States and the Democratic presidential candidate for the 2024 election.

Cooper brought on VP Harris to talk about the one topic her podcast is all about: women. Especially relevant living in a time when the constitutional right to abortion can still be overturned.

Whatever your political affiliation may be, one portion of the interview made me pause.

For context, Arkansas governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders voiced at a rally that her kids keep her humble, but "Kamala Harris doesn't have anything keeping her humble." This is a direct jab at Harris’s unconventional family background. She is a daughter of divorced parents, she chose not to have biological children, and she belongs a blended family. Things that should not be considered shameful.

But Kamala had one hell-of a graceful clapback. VP Harris said, “This is not the 1950s anymore. Families come in all shapes and forms… I don't think [Huckabee Sanders] understands that there are a whole lot of women out here who are not aspiring to be humble.” Mic 🎤 drop ⬇️ .

I was in awe and shock. I am a strong believer in uplifting women and standing up for a women’s right to education and her own body. But I’m also someone who has worked to identify as humble my whole life.

So of course, what better way to understand humility than to dive into the origins of humility and what it means for women.

origin: humility

Here are a few textbook definitions of humility.

Oxford Languages: a modest or low view of one's own importance.

Cambridge English Dictionary: the feeling or attitude that you have no special importance that makes you better than others; lack of pride.

In many religious and philosophical traditions, humility is a virtue that prioritizes social harmony. It’s a recognition of self in relation to God, and submission to that deity as a member of that religion. It’s a form of temperance, another virtue that is neither having pride nor indulging in self-deprecation.

Prioritizes social harmony. Submission to a deity. Temperance. 

I’ve talked about this before. Women are discouraged from being unkept because it makes them unappealing to the male gaze. Women must temper their assertiveness because it makes them bossy. Women are looked at as crazy for expecting “too much” from their male partners.

It is costly to be a haughty woman in society and culture, especially in the context of money and career. I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone say a woman is too proud with a positive tone. But, the tie between humility and womanhood go far beyond personal anecdotes.

humility is codified for a woman

Let’s take a look at American history from the lens of women.

• Right to vote: Women weren’t allowed to vote until the 1920s because a woman’s vote would not add value, as they were just doubling the vote of what their husband believed. Women lacked the expertise or mental capacity to offer useful opinions.

• Career: Media idealized young mothers as the “happy homemaker,” painting a rosy picture of domesticity. Women working outside the home were considered selfish, as beautifully depicted in Lessons in Chemistry.

• Right to one’s body & dignity: Up until the 1970s, it was not only legal but socially accepted for husbands to beat their wives.

The scary part is, that is only two generations removed from Gen-Z today. And I won’t be all catastrophic and say we haven’t made progress. But, there are still ways to go.

• Gender pay gap: As of 2022, a woman earned 82 cents on a man’s dollar. Numbers are even lower for a women of color. For a black woman, make 67 cents, Native American women make 55 cents, Latinas make 57 cents, and AAPI women make between 52-90 cents. For every dollar white men make [source].

• Gender wealth gap (this blew my mind and made me quite sad): this is defined as how much women own and keep. The most commonly referenced reports say that for every dollar a white man owns, women overall own just 32 cents. Black and Latina women? Just one penny [source].

Only until recent years, a woman’s humility was codified into law. And the remnants of that still remain in how we view a woman today. We are reduced to our appearance, especially as we climb the ranks.

Instead of the performance reviews focusing on work substance, it focused on personality. Women were twice as likely to be described as “collaborative” and “nice,” seven times more likely to be identified as “opinionated,” and 11 times more likely to be labeled as “abrasive.” In comparison, men received feedback describing them in words like “confident” and “ambitious.”

We must follow a different social contract once it becomes dark outside. And as of 2022, we are denied healthcare and choice to our own bodies until we are about to this 🤏 close to death.

But why have I lived my entire life wanting to be humble…

I’ve always been very well-aware of how women have fought endlessly against inequities, but I never thought I’d have to come face-to-face with the word humility. It existed in my mind as a non-gendered word, rent-free.

As a kid, I saw folks who used their money and status as a symbol of respect in society, as a way to propel themselves on the social ladder. I saw it as unfounded pride, especially for those who lacked good character and humanity, traits I viewed as more valuable than status. So as someone who profoundly hated hubris, I saw humility only in a positive light. The word helped me define some core traits:

• Listening deeply because I could always learn from the person I was talking to.

• Extending empathy because people silently suffer and I am in no position to be better than thou.

• Learning continuously because I was an avid learner who knew I would need more than 100 lifetimes to learn the contents of this universe. I always wanted to be in rooms where I was the stupidest person, so I was always learning.

But at a certain point, I didn’t realize I’d have to come to terms with the fact that I, too, was a “humbled” woman.

I too, have censored my achievements to be approachable. Respectful. Because no one likes a proud woman. Because a woman’s intelligence is intimidating. Because a woman’s independence and will to think for herself challenges the status quo of so many institutions and rules.

Let’s be clear, it’s great to be in rooms with people who you are learning from. But I never even considered that there are people who could learn from me. That I have something valuable to share with others. In fact, I could be the teacher and not always the student.

Similar to how women are not singular beings, I’ve learned that humility is not a singular word. It contains its own nuances and intricacies, one I personally believe we can all pay attention to. I still think there are beautiful parts of humility. We don’t need to be people who believe we are better than thou. But we also don’t need it to be a woman’s sole aspiration.

We can elevate beyond hubris and humility. We can reaching the balance of strength and conviction while summoning the positivity of humility can yield some really beautiful humans :-)

closing thoughts

• 💭 How has the word “humility” resonated with you? Is it more positive or negative?

• 💭 Have you aspired to be humble in your life?

• 💭 Have you aspired to be humble in your life?

• and generally,

  • 💭 what do you like most about the between the buzz newsletter?

  • 💭 what are topics you want to hear more about from me?

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until the next 🐝 , and with 💛 ,

Sneha