[Cent #8] you are more than your marriage

hello lil bees!!!!

This may be one of my more provocative :) pieces yet, but I plead you to read the piece fully through with an open mind and pause anytime something I say sounds like an attack. I hope you enjoy this read, and I’d love to hear your thoughts, especially if it challenges your thinking.

So, happy Tuesday, let’s get into cent #8 of 25 cents of womanhood and money: you are more than your marriage folks.

We’ve been prescribed that our wedding day is supposed to be the happiest day of our lives. With our beautiful dress accompanied by a beautiful, rich partner, a show-stopping venue, and all our loved ones.

Now, all of that is not untrue, it is a day to celebrate love. A day to celebrate the promise of long-term commitment. A day to feel special. But most important and happiest day of our lives? Our lives become reduced to this singular moment.

This is anecdotal, but something I’ve personally noticed is the amount of attention given to a woman for the following days:

• her wedding day

• the day she gives birth

• the day she gives birth again

• … I even drew a fun lil graph

What happens to her in between? Does she get lost in oblivion?

I put an asterisk to this crude image; I may be oversimplifying things given the “woke” time we live in where women are breaking all forms of gender stereotypes. But somehow, if a woman is not conforming to these norms, she needs to win an Olympic medal, exit a multi-million dollar company, or get the next Nobel Peace Prize to be relevant by society. To be clear, these are not achievements to be discredited, because of the amount of barriers and ceilings these courageous women have to break.

A woman cannot just be. No wonder when a woman gets the ring on her finger, she somehow proven her worth to society, because she is worthy of being loved.

To put so much significance on this one day, for its grandiosity, to prove our happiness. But ironically enough, somehow the wedding day becomes about making sure everyone at the event is happy, while it’s a blur instead for you. Of course, planning of any big event comes with stress, so maybe it’s not entirely negative stress, but isn’t this supposed to be a celebration for the bride and groom?

No wonder we have a literal term coined for a bridezilla. Or a movie called Bride Wars, where two best friends are competing to have the better wedding day. Because our wedding is supposed to be the most important day of our lives, it’s expected that everyone and their mother stop, drop and roll to get festivities in order. Bringing upon existential questions like:

• If you don’t come to the bridesmaids trip that costs >$2k, are we even friends? If you have even 5 close girl friends, that $10,000 just in bridesmaids trips…

• If you don’t come to all 20 marital events, are we even friends?

• If you don’t pull up 200% for me on my wedding day, are we even friends?

Don’t get me wrong, as a single 26-year old woman, relationships with the women in my life are a gift (not me finishing Everything I Know About Love by Dolly Alderton this past week and re-realizing how precious the women in my life are…) These are women who are my ride or dies. Who teach me strength not only through physique but the mind and heart. Who will know me in a way that my partner never will. The ones that see my heart for who I am. Because I don’t need to play games or look a certain way or be desirable for my friends to love me.

But that being said, my friendship with them is also not defined by this singular moment. There are other so many special days to celebrate, birthdays, moves to a new city, books, sad but necessary breakups. The more we remove ourselves from the singular nature of womanhood, we realize how much life has to offer beyond marriage.

So sneh, why are you writing about this now?

I have at least two of my loved ones who are getting married to the loves of their lives this year and I only felt pure happiness knowing these people are becoming partners. Especially my sister.

She recently got engaged to her long-time boyfriend whose basically my older brother a few weeks ago. When she face-timed me, I immediately screamed because she’s choosing to spend the rest of her life with her best friends, the one she wants to ride life’s high highs and low lows with.

But something I noticed long before the engagement was her relevance as a human surrounded her relationship. When are they getting married? How are they doing?

And while I know how big of a role relationships can play in someone’s life, I can give you 150% assurance my sister was more than enough before she was dating her current fiancé, during her relationship with him, and after their engagement.

So I thought it’d be fun to give her the intro that she deserves, about her and only her.

I’ve talked about society caging free-spirited minds like exotic bird collectors, because when I first read that quote, I thought of my sister. She’s one of the most kind-hearted survivors I know who's been hurt too many times to count by grown adults who dreamt to cage a nonconformist. Despite her life experiences, she carries such deep joy and happiness into life every single day.

She protected me in more ways I can count, paving my path for a very progressive household, creating a space for us all to see outside the lens of the herd. That’s not the education that’s taught at school, but her stories and voice are heart wrenchingly beautiful and powerful, more than enough to shake this world. She is one of the smartest people I know, not because she was traditionally excelling at school but because of her street-smarts and creativity as an artist. She moved to a new city at the age of 25 by herself to start a new life for herself.

She’s also the same woman who likes soft lights & candles. Who cries during Disney movies. Who appreciates quiet time with jazz on in the background while cooking up a wholesome meal.

Our stories are defined by the people we surround ourselves with, but we still exist in this world as full, whole beings. Just some food for thought when we ask about how a human is doing. Understanding who we are, in the context of our loved ones and community, allows us to become the best version of who we are supposed to be in this planet! Full, whole beings through and through 🙂 

closing thoughts

So, when people ask me about my thoughts on marriage, my thinking is marriage is a time to commit to a promise. A promise of a lifetime, through the thick and thin. But more importantly, marriage is the loving and choosing someone every single day for 5 years. 10 years. 50 years. Through all the hurdles, it is the desire to say I will choose you. It is about celebrating that commitment with loved ones (and if you know me, that’s not really many people for me).

Something that always confused me is why are we only celebrating the beginning of a marriage with so much hurrah. Why do we not give the same significance to loving and choosing someone every single day for 20 years? 30 years? Through the thick and thin. Let’s celebrate the renewal of vows.

And for all of you reading, whether you’re single or not, we were not put in this world just for the act of marriage. Marriage at the end of the day signifies a celebration of love, and I hope you celebrate it in a way that love manifests in your life.

If you’re at that sweet age range where people are telling you about marriage, I hope you recognize that you have, and always have been, a full, whole being. And you are not behind, something better is just waiting for you on the other side of it all. I’ll end on a sweet Instagram post from Upworthy’s account that made my day 🙂 

💭 so, what does marriage mean to you?

If you enjoyed reading this, help me spread the word & share with your friends and family :)

until the next 🐝 , and with 💛 ,

Sneha