[Cent #5] you're not a shopaholic if you talk about money

hiya lil bees!! hope you all had a wonderful weekend. since y’all enjoyed it so much in the last article, here’s sneh the meteorologist reporting for duty: it was a nice 66°F this morning, and I caught my slenderman shadow on my walky.

let’s get into it, cent #5 of 25 cents of womanhood and money: you’re not a shopaholic if you talk about money.

story time…

As you all know, it was my 2️⃣6️⃣ birthday this past weekend and I had an eleven hour celebration with my best friends (so freaking epic). A small blip of it caught my attention. I was wearing a satin gold skirt, and one of my best friends Nidhi complimented the fit. After an immediate thank you, I proceeded to dive into how I got it second-hand.

“Sneha! You don’t need to always justify where your clothing comes from.” 

To be clear, I am a big fan thrifting; wearing secondhand is the best in a time of fast fashion, for moral and climate reasons. But ofc sneh looks deeper, and she’s right. I apparently always explain where every piece of my clothing comes from. Whether it’s a shirt from Kohls or a hand-me down from my sister, it’s second nature to me to dive into the origin of my clothing. As though I need to reason my purchases to people around me, to prove to myself that I indeed am financially responsible. You are all familiar with my push and pull with femininity, fashion and money. It’s more than okay to just say thank you.

it’s not just me…

Shopaholics. Gold diggers. Material girl. Guilty pleasures. Retail therapy.

These are all terms typically used to describe women when it comes money. Whether we have it or not. What’s the common thread? All of these words come with a negative or belittling connotation. Our vernacular around women & money such that money or lack thereof is always associated with shame.

She doesn’t have money? She must be bad with money. Is she in debt? Why is she buying a $5 latte? In hushed tones, she must be a gold digger.

She has money? Why is her biggest dream to buy that Birkin bag? Why is she buying skincare? She’s so wasteful… Shouldn’t she be using that retail therapy money to take care of her family? Such a bad mother. Oh she’s single? She must be unhappy… Sheesh, that was exhausting to write.

But somehow, he is a stunner when he aims and gets for that Ferrari… interesante…

Looks like I’m not the only one talking about this either.

• Nadya Okamoto (founder of August Period Care): Money Brings Me Joy. Why did it take me so long to admit that?

• Simran Kaur (founder of Girls that Invest): Let’s lose our shame about money

• Sallie Krawcheck (founder of Ellevest): Women feel more shame about money than sex and death

• Sandra Ann Miller (founder of the Happyist): In Praise of Pink Covers & Redefining Chick Lit

The through line in my cents of womanhood and money is that we have a tendency to classify women as singular beings. But, we don’t have to be tied to a narrow, shame-filled stereotypes.

let’s talk about psychology…

Brené Brown is a “researcher, storyteller, and (currently enraged) Texan who’s spent the past two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy.” Aaaand, might I say one of my biggest role models.

She defines shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging — something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection. Whereas guilt is holding something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychology discomfort.

Guilt is adaptive and helpful, it allows us to be held accountable against our value system. On the flip, shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure.

I intentionally differentiate the two because it’s easy to conflate financial shame with financial guilt. For example, I personally believe that just being a woman does not remove the accountability for paying off debt. It's crucial to recognize the intersection of gender, societal expectations, and personal financial choices. However, we have also been socialized to think we are inherently bad with money. I haven’t seen any research on our gene makeup to prove that, so nope I don’t buy it.

I know I’m not going to help break financial shame in just one article, but how can we get started?

We start talking.

There are so many reasons why a woman who talks about money, that too, vulnerably, is iconic. But let me list just three:

1. you’re breaking cycles of shame: your shame becomes something external that you picked up and now are choosing to let go. And through this, you develop more compassion not only for yourself, but for others too. You’re not shallow for thinking about money. or a shopaholic. or a gold digger. Read that sentence again, write it on a post-it note and keep it on your bathroom mirror.  

2. you’re shattering so many taboos: traditionally money discussions have been seen as unladylike. but why? women are damn good investors. women sports are taking off. women artists are moving economies.

3. you’re creating collective power: our money stories are unique, but we are united by a shared history of silence. when more and women participate, we are quite literally creating more space for women to be at the table.

The person you spend the most time with is yourself, so even if you don’t feel like you have a safe environment to talk about this, it’s okay. Start by talking to yourself, or a financial therapist. btw, I’m a fiend for these conversations too, so you got a friend in me 🧸 let’s break that glass ceiling together.

how have you lil bees dealt (or deal) with financial shame? I’d love to hear your thoughts at [email protected].

You made it to the end! WHICH MEANS… sharing that something exciting is brewing for between the buzz, and you could be involved!

If you enjoyed reading this, help me spread the word & share with your friends and family :)

until the next 🐝 , and with 💛 ,

Sneha