[Cent #4] first date finances, who pays?

hello lil bees! hope you’re having a fantastic week. It’s been feeling like fall in NYC, with the rain cooling down the city to a chill 70s. And I’m not mad about it.

Anyways, I’m not a meterologist; let’s get right into cent #4 in the 25 cents of womanhood and money: first date finances, who pays? 

story time

I mentioned in Tuesday’s newsletter that I went on a date with this guy, where we got into a friendly tiff around who should pay the bill. Let me provide some more context.

It’s not some juicy story; it was actually a pleasant date, he was a nice guy to talk to. But I knew by the end of it, I wasn’t looking to go on a second one. For that reason, I wanted to split the bill; I didn’t want feel obligated to a second date.

While we were discussing who should pay at the end, the waitress came over and helped settle our debate. He kept mentioning to her that he really wants to pay for this date, and that I can get the next one. And honestly, there was nothing wrong with this sentiment. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt that he really just thought we were vibing and there would be a second date. But I get a little ticked off when I notice discomfort when a woman offers to pay for a date. I’ve been on many dates with guys who offer to pay first, but are very comfortable when I say let’s split the bill.

Before I continue, I have no idea if this is how the guy thought. People always say dating is truly an experience to learn about yourself, your preferences, your values. For me, my intuitive reaction made me ponder how I view money in dating, especially on first dates with strangers.

For me, when I sense that a man may not be comfortable with me paying for the date, it brings up the question of whether he would actually be interested in an equitable partnership. A few questions that brings up in my head:

• Would this man feel comfortable with me making his salary? And more importantly, more than his salary?

• Would this man feel threatened by my ability to provide for myself because he is not adding any value to the relationship?

• Would this man feel less attracted to me in times I was more successful than him?

• And most importantly, would he feel as though he wore the pants in the relationship?

There is one feminist perspective that men should pay for dates as “reparations” of the patriarchy, for reasons like the pay gap, pink tax, and date prep money just to keep up with beauty standards. There is another traditional perspective where men should pay for dates because women are to be taken care of. There was this viral video on Tiktok where L.A. resident Gabby Fe expects the man to pay for the date in addition to transportation to and from the date, because she wants to be wanted and taken care of.

To me, a partnership is not about finding someone who can take care of me because I am my own breadwinner. To be clear, being my own breadwinner is not about the amount of wealth I have. It’s about the autonomy I can create by being self-sufficient. No person has the ability to take away my strength and freedom when I can take care of myself. I do not want to be confined to a partnership based on power dynamics. Instead, finding a life-long partner is about connecting with someone who enhances my life, who has a similar value system, who supports my dreams. Who can not only make me cackle, but also make me feel emotionally safe. And most definitely someone who aligns with my financial wavelength.

Money plays a huge role in relationships. As of 2024, 38% report that financial problems caused their divorce. Does this mean partners need to make the exact same salary? Or spend their disposable income exactly the same? No, not at all! I personally know so many people who make different incomes, but are in strong, equitable relationships. Personal financial situations need to be accounted for in dating just as much as gender. However, there is still one universal principle that good partnerships follow when it comes to finances: they talk about money.

They are open to their relationships with money. Neither party judges the other for their financial habits, yet each person also holds the other accountable for their financial habits. Even if there is financial shame, there is a level of trust and safety space to converse with one another. They discuss their spending habits, their risk tolerances, their dreams from a financial lens.

I’ve heard life partners maintaining a joint bank account for vacations and activities for you two and contribute proportionally based on your salary, and separate bank accounts for personal purchases. I know each situation is subjective and personal, but the common denominator is that finances hold a lot of power in a partnership. And it does no one any good to ignore talking about them. By no means is it easy, money is compliqué. Building financial harmony is a continuous process that requires patience, understanding, and a commitment to working not only with yourself but with your partner. But, you both are on the same team, not rivals.

so you never answered the question Sneha, who pays for the first date?

It depends. Personally, I’d still want to split the bill on the first date. That being said, whether it’s romantic or platonic, good relationships are not transactional to me. A relationship that feels safe and comfortable for me is where one says I’ve got it, you can get the next. I am not looking to keep a spreadsheet of every time I’ve paid for my people or vice versa. So if one day, my partner wants to treat me to a special evening and pays, I would love that! But for me, this requires mutual trust and transparency, where this person will never make me feel less than just because they paid.

All that being said, a first date may not sound that deep, but I hope this thought piece can shed some light on how your relationship with money is prevalent even on your first date with a stranger. It can be such an eye-opener to your own relationship with money and what you’re actually looking for in a partner, so don’t ignore those intuitions and thoughts.

And if you don’t want the stress of who pays for your first date, I recommend taking a romantic sunset stroll along the Dumbo waterfront 😉 

Until the next 🐝, and with 💛 ,

Sneha