[Cent #2] A single woman is society's worst nightmare

it’s brat summer lil bees

The Idea of You came out ~a month ago, the movie starring Anne Hathaway as a 40 year old Solène who unexpectedly falls in love with a 24 year old boy band member named Hayes.

“I didn’t know my being happy would piss so many people off,” Solène tells her friend Tracy at one point. “People hate happy women,” Tracy responds.

Here comes Cent #2 of my 25 cents on womanhood and money: A single woman is society’s worst nightmare. And god forbid, she can provide for herself. What purpose does the man serve at this point? This is why the scene in Bridgerton season 3 where Penelope tells Collin she can take care of herself, and Collin then asks what good he is to her… is another one of the many iconic scenes from this brat summer.

There is this societal norm that a woman must be provided and cared for financially. Because of course she’s expected to be a caregiver but cannot take care of herself.

She can have dreams but is shamed as a shopaholic for spending money she earned on a latte.

She can have dreams but can never shine brighter and make more money than her partner because that might just break their ego.

She can have dreams but must put them on pause for her biological clock to get married and bear children, only to take a 39% pay cut once they return.

Society as a collective acts as an exotic bird collector, dreaming to cage free-spirited minds, especially those who are financially independent women. Not because money is not shallow, but because it is autonomy, and a woman's freedom challenges the status quo. Note, I said society. This is not me just pointing the blame at men; society is all of us. So let’s talk about the more insidious form of messaging we propagate as women to other women.

It’s captured well in the scene when Solène is going out to sunbathe with a bunch of younger 20 year old women in bikinis who are dating the other boy band members. They looked at her with disdain and judgment. You’re a cougar, you must be going through a mid-life crisis, you’re no longer hot as a 40 year old woman. Yikes. We can be mean. Aaaand we’re back with another form of internalized misogyny.

We taken women hate single women who have autonomy, who don’t succumb to society’s avalanching pressures to be taken care of.

Vice versa, we single women hate taken women who are rushing to get married, yet secretly want to be in relationships ourselves. Why are they rushing to get married for the sake of it? I’m obviously waiting for the right one.

I’m definitely victim of the single women trope; there are times I remind myself to get off my high horse. I’m not saying there’s malintent behind this emotion. Sometimes you really just want your girly to break up with their partner since they suck. But for so long, women have been told that they are only whole beings once they are married, and better yet, have procreated.

Even as procedures like egg freezing and IVF become more socially acceptable to offset the biological clock, the high cost remains a significant barrier. To take it a step further, I empathize with all women, taken or not. There’s so much pressure to just be a woman, especially in a time when we see so many bada$$ women breaking gender roles, but still come from a more conservative environment.

My beautiful mother is a prime example of someone who was living quite the opposite life from me at the age of 25. She was married with a child. She doesn’t work in corporate America, she’s on the quieter side, and she doesn’t drink. With a singular lens of a woman, she amounts to a traditional stay-at-home mother. But this strips away so much of her multi-faceted beauty. She’s one of the most value-driven women I know. In this race to assimilate to this culture, she remained resolute in her value system, even as the people she counted on made her feel like an outsider. Funnily enough, when you get to know my mom, she’s one of the most talkative and caring people you’ll ever meet. She’s someone who has deep ties to her Indian heritage and dreamed of a life of peace and simplicity. She loves sharing random tidbits from her childhood, experimenting with new recipes she’s experimenting with in the kitchen, taking time to walk and pick vegetables at the farm, and showing her affection by whipping up the best homemade meal you’ll ever have in your life.

Instead of passing judgment and tearing other women down, look at their identity complexity. I repeat, women are not singular beings. Let’s foster a community where women can actually uplift and support one another.

Wait Sneha, I'm curious, what's your perspective on relationships and commitment?

Here’s my inner dialogue. I’m at that ripe age of 25 when I’m being asked the age-old questions, “are you in a relationship?” or better yet, “when are you getting married?” Immediate questions I receive just after people have said hello to me. It’s a more rare occurrence when I’m asked about my aspirations & my north star. Such a fun conversation to indulge in (I hope you sense my sarcasm 🤪). But if you are curious…

I want to be abundantly clear that I am someone who deeply believes in long-term commitment. Hell, I’ve fallen in love before and it was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life; the kind of relationship where a lot of things were unspoken because there was this soul connection. I want to get married and raise a family one day. There is nothing wrong with being excited for your marriage day. Or having a family. Family is one of the most important things in my life. But also…

The longing to be in a long-term partnership and the joy experienced from being on your own can coexist. Not to sound like every self-help book, but I really mean it when I say the most important relationship you can have is with yourself. The amount of Saturday evenings I spent solo at bookstores in NYC has helped shape who I am today 🙂 You reach a certain point where the noise shuts off. You have space for your own thoughts and emotions. That doesn’t mean it’s not uncomfortable; it is especially when you’ve been out of touch with who you are. Many times, I’d feel alone, yet strangely empowered walking out of the McNallys in Soho at 7 PM on a Saturday when crowds are rushing in to begin their nights. That doesn’t mean you have to be single; your sense of self doesn’t have to disappear once you’re in relationship. And that doesn’t have to mean isolating from society because we are social beings. Some of the most nourishing and unconditional love in my life has not been romantic. We can view love through a narrow lens, but some of my soulmates through my family and friends. But it’s one of the most rewarding feelings to feel whole on your own and loving your own company. It makes me think that then when we enter those long-term partnerships, they only continue to enhance our lives.

So here’s the mantra to end on: you’re not expecting too much, and in the meanwhile, it’s freaking bada$$ to be alone.

If you enjoyed reading this, please share it with your fellow Brat Summer enthusiasts to stay in the loop for more.

Until the next 🐝 , and with 💛 ,

Sneha