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- 25 lessons for 25 years in this world
Dear sneha…
In honor of today being my 26th birthday, I thought it’d be fun to write a letter to baby Sneh about the last 25 years of my life. The failures, the successes, the funny moments. Just all the emotions. I recently texted to my sister and it felt relevant.
So here goes!!
You attend your dream college. The one that made you stay up till 3 AM most nights, the one you were hellbent on getting into, to achieve your long-term dream of financial and intellectual independence. You don’t get into the dual-degree program you were hoping for… probably because the Santandar bank guy who interviewed detected you weren’t actually interested in business the moment he looked at your eyes 🤪
You eagerly sign up for all the hardest classes in your first semester, trying to show up as your best self day one. But it’s struggle bus season. Because in addition to the course work, you’re growing the heck up Sneh. This is your first rite of passage into adulthood, and you end up learning more than you can you ever imagine and meet some of your life’s besties there. But more to come on that later…
Remember when you toured the NYC Google office at the end of NY Math Circle circa 2012? And you were in awe and told ma and pa you were going to work there? Well, you did it Sneh. All your hard work paid off; you got to work on social impact at Google with a team filled with mission-driven people soon after graduating. Might I mention you make some freaking awesome friends.
So you’re living the goddamn life. You got the dream job ten year old Sneh was craving. You’re living in a house with seven of your best friends in a beach town in California. But then… why is there a lingering dissatisfaction lingering under your skin when you pause for a second longer than you intend?
Well maybe you just graduated during lockdown because of a global pandemic and you had to create a version of closure for the last four years of a chaotic college life. You yearn so deeply to just be grateful for everything you have but realize that maybe you’re practicing toxic gratitude, and there’s some things you have to confront.
But to get there… you’re going to isolate from people a little bit. It’s gonna be lonely, most people are not going to be happy about it, and it’s going to be tough on you because of the harmony you seek in life. But it’s okay. For the first time in your life, you are not going to please everyone. You have the strength to disregard the noise and focus on yourself. You’re going to trust your gut and take space to declutter your heart and mind.
There’s gonna be a few years where you feel detached from your younger self who was always just unapologetically filled with love. Who was deeply persistent and hardworking, who believed that she could get anything she put her mind to. It might feel like you lost that edge in college, but don’t worry, it comes back 100x stronger 🙂
You’re also going to read. A lot. You’ll even visit a certain Barnes and Noble three times within a single day!!!
You go through a phase where every single book you read is going to have a spiritual / Buddhist undertone. To allow you to feel some form of semblance of peace in your life. You even contemplate taking a ten day vacation from work to participate in Vipassana (one day!) Just to ultimately realize how much you are driven by peace and harmony. A double-edged sword one could say…
You’re also going to work on many ideas in the social impact realm. First, on a non-profit / startup called Soulsmile Club, taking advantage of capitalism for good. Even though this journey doesn’t pan out, you learn that you need to work on something that helps people. Your career isn’t a means to an end.
You’re also going to look at your career more holistically. Because as much as you wanted to deny it during college, you are a deeply ambitious woman. Because you realize financial independence does not have to be constrained to a 9-5 pre-professional job. Because you take the time to nurture and develop the confidence to believe that you don’t belong on the sidelines.
Your writing journey is going to manifest and blossom, even though you think you’re a horrible writer. It will begin as a blog on your personal website, where you write on issues in the intersection of issues like climate and poverty and topics like anthropology and psychology. You’ll then watch a deeply impactful movie that leads you to begin writing a thesis on the microaggressions of caste. Which leads to…
Starting a freaking newsletter!!!!!!! You’ve been contemplating for a long time whether you’re ready to step off the sidelines, and this is the first time that dream materializes. You’re going to be terrified. And it’s okay; it’s okay to be scared, but the difference now is you’re gonna do it anyways. Not only do you get to connect with so many souls on a deeper level, loved ones and strangers, but you also have the chance to heal your own relationship with money.
On the relationships front… you’re going to fall so deeply in love. The presence of that relationship will teach you about your abundance of love and how you can give endlessly. But also, the absence of the relationship will teach you how much you underestimate your own strength. How sometimes, it’s okay to be the main character of your own story. How much you were actually craving that love from yourself.
This relationship will teach you that energy is real; even though there was no label on this relationship, don’t doubt the connection you felt. The energy, feelings, and connection exchanged in a relationship are only known between the two people who are first-hand experiencing the connection, and you are genuinely not crazy for what you’re feeling. You can know someone just for one month and feel as though you’ve know them your whole life.
And I think you’ve always known that the true loves of your life would be based on connection and energy, but what you’ll learn from firsthand experience now is that connection is just the first step to a strong partnership; any long-term committed relationship is a two-way street.
You’re going to go on a number of dates that make for great stories. One time you get into a friendly argument around who pays for the first date (I won, more to come). Another time you’ll be blown off 30 minutes before a date because a guy had “fam stuff” going on, but never texted you back (and somehow you meet Ross Lynch that night?). And of course, you also end up going on a date with your former TA’s twin brother.
But you will also meet a few people who you actually feel a semblance of a connection with. Something you’re willing to explore. Something you’ve yearned to feel since the first and last time you fell in love. Don’t feel discouraged when it doesn’t work out. Because that deep level of connection you’re looking for exists in this world. So to keep yourself entertained in the meantime, you’ll even start a video series inspired by your hilarious dating life to one day show your future partner. And somehow even show your coworkers your Hinge profile 🤪
But enough about the romantic love… you’ll rediscover the love you have for your familial and platonic soulmates. You’re going to look at your parents like humans and somehow love them even deeper. You’re going to live far away from your older sister, the woman who loves you to the depth of the world but still figure out how to keep your souls connected. You’re going to reopen your heart to ma, pa, and sis.
And even if you feel disconnected from them for a little bit, don’t be too hard on yourself. Growing up is hard and you’re allowed to make mistakes and not be perfect. You were always pretty damn mature for your age, so if you slip at times and feel angsty at times, it’s okay.
You also realize how important friends are after being a lone wolf for a long time. Because your friends are your chosen family. The ones who have your back when you’re attempting to run to the Schuylkill river, the ones who keep your neck warm with a towel after an intoxicated night, the ones who you can shoot the shit with for hours until 4 AM and still not be bored of them. After years of living in your own head. Because you realize all the good shit from life is better with good peeps. Peeps who love you unconditionally and just show up. No matter what.
And while age is just a number, you’re reaching the bittersweet age that people are beginning new chapters of their lives. Your parents will get older (cuz that’s how time works Sneh), your entire family will only convene on special occasions, your friends will be in different cities for their career, and some will enter long-term partnerships. Just remember that each and every one of them will still make time to be stupid with you. Makes those moments even more precious.
Grief and love are forever intertwined. You will try so hard to shut down your emotions anytime you feel an ounce of pained love. But grief is all the love that has no place to go. Dad will tell you, you always smile Sneha but it’s hiding pain. Don’t shut it down just because it is painful. The ability to love that deeply, it’s a superpower Sneha. It opens up the most beautiful treasures this world has to offer.
No one person is going to complete you except yourself. Whether that be your family, friends or partner. But that doesn’t mean the people external to you can’t support you or enhance your being.
And lastly, you’re going to fall so horribly in love with yourself Sneh 🙂 You become a hilariously quirky menace to society and show up so shamelessly as yourself. So remember to take a beat and remember that it’s not always that deep.
until the next 🐝 , and with 💛 ,
Sneha
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