[Cent #1]: the push and pull between femininity and money

As a 25 (almost 26!) year old woman, I've been on a journey of what it means to be a woman, and my relationship with money is a big part of the story. So here goes! As I reach a turning point in my 20s, I’m excited to introduce my first series: 25 cents on womanhood and money. Let’s break the mold and talk about how money (and all things related) shape our experience of being a woman, whether it be career, relationships, ambition, fear, etc. I’ll be sharing personal tales, unconventional thoughts and popular trends around the intersection of womanhood and money. The best part about this series is you don’t have to entirely identify with these pieces. Maybe you’ll resonate with these experiences. But maybe, maybe you’ll understand your partner more deeply. Maybe you’ll recognize those feelings your best friend is (or probably isn’t) saying out loud. And maybe you’ll even want to co-write a piece with me to share your 2 cents 😉 

So, let’s begin with my first cent: the push and pull between femininity and money.

If you took a look at my wardrobe from ages 10 to 21, more than half of my wardrobe was my sister’s hand-me downs. For any of the younger siblings in the house, you knew I was living the dream. I got to wear clothing that was hip and trendy. I didn’t need to ask my parents to take me to the mall, the one place I still go to and automatically get a headache (seriously, ask anyone I know). And more importantly, I could avoid expensive purchases from Justice (iykyk) or Abercrombie.

It was a concoction of feelings. I had perfectly fine and honestly very cute hand-me downs from my older sister. I was winning in the cool department AND I didn’t need to spend extra money on something new. But really…

I didn’t have the vocabulary for this back in the day, but fashion was a form of expression I didn’t feel like I could afford. Not just in terms of money but also time and respect. For me, intellect and fashion were always at odds with one another; shopping took a lot of time and money, and felt like a distraction from my laser focus to reach intellectual and financial independence (I know 😢).

I was succumbing to a form of internalized misogyny. Yup she said it, the scary word misogyny. I know that term makes people uncomfortable, but it’s true. I thought of women as singular beings. They were siloed into singular roles: the mother, the girlboss, the brainy one, the beautiful one. I didn’t see a lot of multi-hyphenate women.

Yes, we had shows and movies like Legally Blonde and Sex and the City, media I’ve thoroughly enjoyed myself. This era was monumental in television because there was a shift in the narrative. Women can enter any room and be confident. Women can be single and desirable as they age.

But even in these shows and movies, there was subtle, intentional messaging that no matter who you are, a woman will never be enough. Women weren’t allowed to be unkept because it made them unappealing to the male gaze. Women weren’t allowed to be assertive because it made them bossy. Women were looked at as crazy for expecting “too much” from their male partners. Women had to choose between their careers and having a family. Women were shamed for being too “fat” six weeks postpartum and expected to come back to work at full capacity twelve weeks postpartum after carrying a whole child. Well sheesh, either you’re choosing amongst beauty or brains or you’re just goddess-like. There was an unattainable perfection standard that could never be met. The cherry on top of all of this is the media didn’t feel like a representation of reality. Especially as a BIPOC woman.

So as one does, I found the silver lining of what women’s beauty meant to me: kindness, strength, independence, assertion, intellectual prowess, grit. For me, a woman is beautiful when:

• She believes in putting kindness first but is not afraid to speak up when something is wrong.

• She believes she is worthy of a seat at any table but is not afraid to pull other women up with her.

• She refuses to turn cold even after she walks away from a painful situation.

• She believes in challenging the status quo embraces the uncharted trails, despite her fears of failure. Because it’s okay to be scared, but it’s not okay to not take action.

Woof, beauty am I right? But really, ask any of my friends, I’m the annoying friend that will say every woman, man, baby, and dog is beautiful.

Despite the silver lining and my internalized conflict around fashion, I was always intrigued by fashion. Similar to money, clothing, accessories, and makeup are all physical objects. But, there was this feeling of awe and admiration I felt about a woman who showed up for herself, physically, mentally, and emotionally. It was almost as if fashion was a vehicle for a woman’s confidence. Money isn’t bad, and fashion isn’t either.

The cool thing is, the most important women in my life are a testament to this fact that women are multi-faceted beings; you can have beauty, brains, strength, and kindness. These women have the guts to move across the country where they know no one and start a new life for themselves. These women are trailblazers in their careers and speak up in a room no matter who is there. All while they openly scream when they get their new Sezane sweaters. Or jump ecstatically when they enter a Sephora to get a new lip oil. Or check themselves out when they have their hair blown out at Dry Bar. And the best part about it all? They’re not perfect but they’re enough. They’re enough despite their emotional breakdowns. They’re enough despite their body image. They’re enough despite constantly juggling between their masculine and feminine self.

America Ferrera, couldn’t have said it better myself 🙂 seriously, I was sitting in my little dingey shoebox of an apartment last year watching this scene and sobbing.

After years (yes years) of understanding the tie between femininity and my relationship with money, I’ve revisited what fashion means to me. Fashion is a choice of expression and investment in yourself. It’s a public display of your self-belief and confidence, even if you’re faking it some days. It’s equivalent to your ability to say I am showing up as my best self and I’m worthy of it all. Not for vanity metrics, but in fact, because women can do it all. And look really good doing it.

So in honor of this article, hi! here’s me in front of a mirror in a beautiful black Marcella dress.

As always, I love hearing from you all; your feedback/questions/suggestions/raw thoughts. Send them my way at [email protected] or DM me at @betweenthebuzz.

until the next 🐝 , and with 💛 ,

Sneha